TexasGirl Photography

Here it is September, and I’ve had a birthday. I’m grateful for another year! In keeping with tradition, I have a crop of self-portraits to share. Many of these are pretty recent, in part due to whatever efforts I made toward this ongoing series before the summer being trapped in my yet-to-be-serviced-and-possibly-resurrected defunct hard drive. I figured I had better make some new ones to keep the annual ball rolling.

45 was a challenging year, more so than most. I find myself, now, thankful to be at a place of more relative ease, where I can at least take a breath before whatever storm comes next. I find myself – honestly – astonished at the number that now represents me, with no clue how a woman in her mid 40s is supposed to act. Someone famous said “you’re always the same age inside.” Yes, true, but what does one do when the outside starts to change in a way that doesn’t reflect the inside? Part of me feels like I should be reevaluating my wardrobe choices, but I will not go gently into that good night of dressing my age, whatever that means. I suspect it doesn’t mean tank tops and cutoffs.

The older I get, the more I see the eyes of my great-grandmother looking back at me from the mirror: eyes that she passed on to my Grandfather, that he passed to his son, and who in turn passed them to me. This is where the line stops, future years notwithstanding. I feel the weight of this.

I’ve been making these self portraits for eight years now, and this year especially the process felt redundant. More than anything, I am making them for my daughter; she has been my intended long-term audience from the beginning. Whether she finds any value in them down the road isn’t up to me, but I am questioning how much longer I will keep it up with the same intensity of purpose. If you sense a whiff of imposter syndrome here, you’d be correct. It arrives in waves, regularly!

At this moment, at the beginning of another year of Amy, I am busy with projects, working on photography in a renewed and focused way. My darkroom is cleaned up and ready to go. The chemicals are fresh and waiting, the film work side of things is halfway done, I’ve raised some funds for framing with a print sale thanks to the generosity of a few people, and I have a miraculous print washer thanks to a generous friend. I try not to look too long at social media, because of its corrosive power upon my overly-sensitive creative brain. Right now, I am very happy with the work I have done on this big project so far. Regardless of how it’s eventually received, I will be proud of what I’ve made!

I still adore my piano. I am confounded with the reality of mothering a teen: the reality of her life picking up and accelerating, the final big push of preparing her for the road that’s waiting for her on the other side of graduation. It’s more challenging than I could have possibly imagined.

Every day is a new gift and a new beginning. There’s a song on Christian radio with the lyrics “if I’m not dead, then You’re not done.” Well, I am not dead! Everything is still in motion. I wake up in the morning, breathing, I rise and get going, I do my best to roll with the punches and resist the urge to punch back. This September has been a whirlwind blast so far, and my hope springs eternal! Thanks to those of you who have tagged along with me on this journey, both here on my blog and in real life.

PS oh yeah I am driving my Daddy’s truck now, as of earlier this year. It’s been a ton of fun getting used to driving stick again – and a V8 truck – if y’all thought I was Texas before, y’all ain’t seen nothing yet. Here’s to a brand new year!